Napoli, more like crapoli amirite?

We had breakfast admiring the stunning views from our rooftop dining area at the Gaeta B&B then pushed off for the journey to Naples. After being passed by a bunch of cars doing 30-40kph above the speed limit along the 2 lane road with a double white line in the middle we were pulled over by the local polizia for going through an orange traffic light.

Gaeta B&B view from breakfast.

After the first policeman told me I think what was I went through a red light in Italian and some broken French, hearing rosso, rouge a few times. I told him I speak English and said the light was orange or amber, yellow or lemon or whatever word they might understand for an orange light. Anyway he could see we were getting nowhere so he called over his partner pointed at me and said "Inglese". His partner came over and started speaking French but I said Inglese again and he switched. I was told I couldn't go through a red light, I told him I agree, I wouldn't go through a red light and that it was orange, however they were both disagreeing with me. I'm pretty sure it was because I had French license plates on the faithful Dacia Sandero we were driving. Anyway after I pulled out my international drivers license and Aussie passport the problem seemed to disappear with just a stern warning to not go through any orange lights that policeman might construe as red. They must have thought I was a pro driver because anyone who has played the Gran Turismo series of games knows that it's a bit of work to get the international license.

Anyway as if that wasn't enough annoyance for one day we missed a turn on the way to the hotel. I said no worries, I'll just turn up this side street and come back around. This was a mistake. We ended up in a rabbit warren of Naples ghettos and 1 way streets with vespas constantly honking and Italians cursing our car. It was the worst, we finally ended up not being able to go any further and were told by a nice man to go back the way we came. I did a 21 point Austin Powers style u-turn and headed back. We then came to the piazza and were stuck again but another couple of old men eager to help the tourists came to our rescue and told us how to get back to the main highway. In Napoli, old dudes with locale knowledge are way better than Google maps.

We dropped the car off in a parking cave that kind of reminded me of the champange chalk caves in Epernay with the temperature and humidity about the same. We walked the bags down a filthy side street to our hotel and checked in. From the horrible driving experience I was the most stressed I'd been for about 3 years, but luckily we took the Tuscan vino out of the car so I could self medicate.

After a few hours in the fetal position on the bed and a gut full of Chianti, we set out to see the sights of this dirty city. We had a pizza at a restaurant who possibly had the rudest service of the trip. Despite the rudeness the pizza was awesome. Heidi had a caprese and I had a carbonara complete with egg broken over it. I think the pizza in Italy is much better just for these 2 things; super thin and delicate base and buffalo mozzarella. We then went for a walk down to the marina. There's a couple of castles down there which were actually really nice to walk around. Especially the castle that was kind of offshore, but they built a land bridge out to get to it. We also did some shopping because Naples is probably the cheapest place we've been since southern Spain. We had gelati for dinner because we were too full from the ridiculous pizzas we had for lunch.

We found this statue of the woman inside the castle
wishing she hadn't drove into Napoli.

Don't let this outlook of the Castles in the castlello fool you,
Napoli is like Paris, but with a heap more dog shit, rubbish, smell and a lot less charm.

The next morning our hotel seemed to be swarming with some delegates on a conference and we cursed them constantly as they took up all of the breakfast spots each morning. We had to wait until about 9.30 to have our breakfasts but this isn't too bad when you're on holiday anyway.

We walked to the train station and were hussled by eastern European, probably Russian men to buy their ipads all the way. If you are in Europe you must perpetuate a stereotype it appears. If you are African, you sell handbags, if you are Pakistani you sell these helicoptor things that light up at night, if you are Italian you run a Pizza/Pasta/B&B place and if you are Russian you deal in probably stolen Apple goods. I am perpetuating the Australian stereotype by walking around in thongs a singlet and trying to look as un-american as possible.

We caught the train to Herculeum after almost getting on a train from the same platform that was on a different line. Herculeum was really cool to see. I had never even heard of this place as you always hear of Pompeii usually. It was really amazing because the houses are a lot better preserved than Pompeii as they still had some charred timber from the crossbeams that supported roofs still visible and also I think the walls and the frescos on the walls were a lot better preserved. It is not nearly as big as Pompeii but is a hell of a lot easier to get around and see if you have limited time. To see everything in Pompeii you need 4-8hrs depending on walking speed and how much you want to see but Herculeum is around 2hrs. If you have the time definitely see both. There's also some pretty cool graffiti art around Herculeum too, as opposed to the shit tags that riddle Naples.

lol cocks

More hilarious penis, but even uncle Lloyd would have been proud of this tile job.
(FYI uncle I checked the other tiles in other rooms and they ran straight as an arrow.)

Yo dawg, I hear you like cones so here's a cone
so you can have a cone to eat gelati out of another cone.

After the train back to Napoli someone handed me a flyer and I took it for once, this proved to be awesome as we got at 5 euro pizza and drink. Heidi tookup the deal and had one of the best pizzas ever which was just a margharrita. Heidi wanted a coke zero but the deal was only for coke which was the same price on the menu but whatevs. My meal came out which looked like a skinny pizza base with a rocket, proscuitto and parmesean salad on top but when i cut it, it turned out to be a calzone with mozzarella, tomato sauce and speck inside, aw yeah.

We then went out to Sorbillo to have some famous pizza because we didnt have enough pizza these last few days. Goddam, I am sick of pizza.

Summary: Naples is the "real Italy" apparently so say all the websites and hipsters, but fuck it, do a day trip here from your awesome place at the Almafi coast or stay in Pompeii for an extra night. It is not worth staying overnight in. Herculeum, is awesome and definitely worth a visit. Naples might have been better if Heidi or I liked shopping as shit is cheaper. The reality is it's dirty as hell and your precious time and money is better spent in other places. If you like cities, well Roma is around the corner, if you like culture or community, head to Siena, Firenze and Verona. What I'm saying is, don't spend 3 nights in Naples, it's ok, but when in Europe OK isn't enough, there's just so many awesome places around it to not justify the time.